I’m including movies and TV shows in this because not even good acting and directing can save anything from piss poor writing. Just ask Hayden Christensen. There are movies that were made with no budget at all that are better than some of the Krustchun crap I’ve seen.
The Kruschun burk prologue
I don’t mean the actual prologue
“Hi! This is a ministry tool meant to replace the latest fad genre at the moment! Please give it to someone that needs to be preached at blah blah blah fart fart fart read my buk I’m better than everyone else”
The best way to guarantee I won’t get past the first page.
You are using the wrong medium for your message
You’re not a writer, you’re a preacher. Stay on the pulpit, that’s where you belong. Stay where Gods gifts put you.
Normally I would tell everyone to write, even if they don’t intend to sell books or anything. Sometimes writing is just good for the soul.
But some of you preachers might want to stay in your lane. Some of these appalling writers even admitted they could barely write, but they only wrote to preach. Thus they possibly made no attempt to develop their writing craft and instead relied on their preaching and God to carry their message. Yeh, writing doesn’t work that way. And God would rather you actually practice writing before you try to put anything out there. You do actually have to do things yourself, you know. It’s not Gods job to hold your hand and do everything for you.
If you’re too lazy to develop your craft, stay on the pulpit and pay someone else to do the writing for you.
You spend your entire writing career chasing trends
When you jump on the latest oversaturated genre bandwagon, just to ride its coattails to get your message out there, it shows.
When you sacrifice writing to ‘replace’ all the latest ‘demonic’ YA genres, it really really shows.
My advice: Write. Write the genre you want to write in. Yes, you can chase the popular if you want to. But at the end of the day, the only stories you should be writing are the ones you want to write, not the ones you are just chucking out to jump on the bandwagon.
You’ve never spoken to anyone 10 years younger than you before
Teenagers and young adults speak a whole different language. In your book, they’re talking like a 60-year-old white pastor. Eww. Bye Felicia.
K, lets talk about swearing now. Make. Your. Characters. Swear. No, honeybun, stop the wingeing and high pitched noises, you don’t have to actually write out the words themselves. Even just mentioning that ‘they cursed’ will suffice. See it’s that easy. And it looks better than a secular character speaking in the same voice that a mother uses on her toddler because the authour is too busy hand-wringing to put naughty no-no words in a book.
People swear, get over it. I’ve heard worse words at church. I’ve heard toddlers screaming worse words at their own parents.
If swearing makes sense to a character, don’t dance around it. You are allowed to write that swearing exists. You’re not going to hell for writing a secular character that swears.
Maybe in the POV of a fundie Christian character you can play with their voice and how they react to other characters swearing. Maybe the character can replace the swearing with something else. This is one good way to include swearing without actually including swearing. I’ll do that work for you for free.
So please make your characters dialog and language appropriate for their age.
You can’t write
That’s it. You just can’t write. Not even misspelling ‘Krustchun burk’ on the cover will save it. Not even Jesus himself will save it. It’s too far gone.
You suffer from Big Fish in Small Pond syndrome
I’m just going to say it.
Writing is full of narcissists.
Christian writing is full of more narcissists.
The problem is you have to wade through a lot of toilet paper to find a book/genre that you like in the Christian only bookshop. And the Christian market is very much starved of any writing at all, let alone quality stuff.
Name Christian writers who did well in the secular market, you might get CS Lewis, Tolkien. Very smart people who created unforgettable works that are still being published long after their death. I don’t know what religion Anne Rice identifies with as she has rejected Catholicism but she still believes. Her vampire books were massive.
Now name even one Christian writer that made it big by starting in the Christian market.
Yeh, it doesn’t happen. You might get big in the Christian market itself, but then you will hit the glass ceiling because no-one else but Christians can relate to your books.
You could say the Left Behind Series. But the only reason they exploded was that they were a Big Fish in a Small Pond. No-one had ever done Revelation fanfiction on such a massive scale. And their preaching is very heavy in every book.
Your non-christian characters are made of straw
If it’s screamingly obvious that the atheist characters are written by a Kruschun who has never spoken to anyone outside their cult before, you might want to rewrite these characters.
No-one likes cardboard characters in any genre.
So are your kruschun characters
But then again, Christian written Christian characters that are an insult to real Christians is quite an achievement. Keep writing. You will make millions from hate-reading. Hilarious.
Kruschun Mary Sues are rampant
Kruschun characters who are so much smarter and better than the atheist characters. Everyone loves them. Villians give their hearts to Jesus for them! Because it’s that easy! Everything that comes out of the characters mouth sounds like the voice of the authour. Oops, lol. Maybe you should just name the character after yourself? Oh, you already did that…
You’re trying too hard
K, so you don’t know how to write. You don’t know how to develop a character. You don’t know anything about world building or dialogue. You barely even know how to spell anything. And you actually agree with me in this post. You want your book to be a bit different. Here’s what you do: EDGE!! Edgy Christians are totally not overdone as an attempt to attract a bigger audience at all.
The problem with that is that your book is now only edgy to a pastors son who’s not allowed to have a girlfriend till he’s 21. OMG! The main character is wearing a beanie!!!! And there’s a girl wearing shorts!!!!! So much EDGE!!!!!
This will be the edgiest book some Christians have ever read, but to everyone else, it will be an absolute joke.
Don’t force edge. Find your natural voice.
Plus I’m the only Edgy Christian in the village. All you others are fakes. I bet you don’t even listen to Striper.
I have a headache. I’m going to read Game of Thrones again.