Category Archives: Comedy

Things that will make me burn your Kruschun fiction book/movie

I’m including movies and TV shows in this because not even good acting and directing can save anything from piss poor writing. Just ask Hayden Christensen. There are movies that were made with no budget at all that are better than some of the Krustchun crap I’ve seen.

The Kruschun burk prologue

I don’t mean the actual prologue

“Hi! This is a ministry tool meant to replace the latest fad genre at the moment! Please give it to someone that needs to be preached at blah blah blah fart fart fart read my buk I’m better than everyone else”

The best way to guarantee I won’t get past the first page.

You are using the wrong medium for your message

You’re not a writer, you’re a preacher. Stay on the pulpit, that’s where you belong. Stay where Gods gifts put you.

Normally I would tell everyone to write, even if they don’t intend to sell books or anything. Sometimes writing is just good for the soul.

But some of you preachers might want to stay in your lane. Some of these appalling writers even admitted they could barely write, but they only wrote to preach. Thus they possibly made no attempt to develop their writing craft and instead relied on their preaching and God to carry their message. Yeh, writing doesn’t work that way. And God would rather you actually practice writing before you try to put anything out there. You do actually have to do things yourself, you know. It’s not Gods job to hold your hand and do everything for you.

If you’re too lazy to develop your craft, stay on the pulpit and pay someone else to do the writing for you.

You spend your entire writing career chasing trends

When you jump on the latest oversaturated genre bandwagon, just to ride its coattails to get your message out there, it shows.

When you sacrifice writing to ‘replace’ all the latest ‘demonic’ YA genres, it really really shows.

My advice: Write. Write the genre you want to write in. Yes, you can chase the popular if you want to. But at the end of the day, the only stories you should be writing are the ones you want to write, not the ones you are just chucking out to jump on the bandwagon.

You’ve never spoken to anyone 10 years younger than you before

Teenagers and young adults speak a whole different language. In your book, they’re talking like a 60-year-old white pastor. Eww. Bye Felicia.

K, lets talk about swearing now. Make. Your. Characters. Swear. No, honeybun, stop the wingeing and high pitched noises, you don’t have to actually write out the words themselves. Even just mentioning that ‘they cursed’ will suffice. See it’s that easy. And it looks better than a secular character speaking in the same voice that a mother uses on her toddler because the authour is too busy hand-wringing to put naughty no-no words in a book.

People swear, get over it. I’ve heard worse words at church. I’ve heard toddlers screaming worse words at their own parents.

If swearing makes sense to a character, don’t dance around it. You are allowed to write that swearing exists. You’re not going to hell for writing a secular character that swears.

Maybe in the POV of a fundie Christian character you can play with their voice and how they react to other characters swearing. Maybe the character can replace the swearing with something else. This is one good way to include swearing without actually including swearing. I’ll do that work for you for free.

So please make your characters dialog and language appropriate for their age.

Fucks Sake.

You can’t write

That’s it. You just can’t write. Not even misspelling ‘Krustchun burk’ on the cover will save it. Not even Jesus himself will save it. It’s too far gone.

You suffer from Big Fish in Small Pond syndrome

I’m just going to say it.

Writing is full of narcissists.

Christian writing is full of more narcissists.

The problem is you have to wade through a lot of toilet paper to find a book/genre that you like in the Christian only bookshop. And the Christian market is very much starved of any writing at all, let alone quality stuff.

Name Christian writers who did well in the secular market, you might get CS Lewis, Tolkien. Very smart people who created unforgettable works that are still being published long after their death. I don’t know what religion Anne Rice identifies with as she has rejected Catholicism but she still believes. Her vampire books were massive.

Now name even one Christian writer that made it big by starting in the Christian market.

Yeh, it doesn’t happen. You might get big in the Christian market itself, but then you will hit the glass ceiling because no-one else but Christians can relate to your books.

You could say the Left Behind Series. But the only reason they exploded was that they were a Big Fish in a Small Pond. No-one had ever done Revelation fanfiction on such a massive scale. And their preaching is very heavy in every book.

Your non-christian characters are made of straw

If it’s screamingly obvious that the atheist characters are written by a Kruschun who has never spoken to anyone outside their cult before, you might want to rewrite these characters.

No-one likes cardboard characters in any genre.

So are your kruschun characters

But then again, Christian written Christian characters that are an insult to real Christians is quite an achievement. Keep writing. You will make millions from hate-reading. Hilarious.

Kruschun Mary Sues are rampant

Kruschun characters who are so much smarter and better than the atheist characters. Everyone loves them. Villians give their hearts to Jesus for them! Because it’s that easy! Everything that comes out of the characters mouth sounds like the voice of the authour. Oops, lol. Maybe you should just name the character after yourself? Oh, you already did that…

You’re trying too hard

K, so you don’t know how to write. You don’t know how to develop a character. You don’t know anything about world building or dialogue. You barely even know how to spell anything. And you actually agree with me in this post. You want your book to be a bit different. Here’s what you do: EDGE!! Edgy Christians are totally not overdone as an attempt to attract a bigger audience at all.

The problem with that is that your book is now only edgy to a pastors son who’s not allowed to have a girlfriend till he’s 21. OMG! The main character is wearing a beanie!!!! And there’s a girl wearing shorts!!!!! So much EDGE!!!!!

This will be the edgiest book some Christians have ever read, but to everyone else, it will be an absolute joke.

Don’t force edge. Find your natural voice.

Plus I’m the only Edgy Christian in the village. All you others are fakes. I bet you don’t even listen to Striper.

 

I have a headache. I’m going to read Game of Thrones again.

Housewife brain damadge pt 2

I have returned again with the rest of that post. Last time I went over the definition, causes and symptoms. Today is a bit more positive because there is still hope for those suffering from HWBD.

Cures

Cures for this can be easy, with hardly any work involved. Or they could be impossible, depending on many different factors.

There are probably an endless amount of cures but I’m just going to go over a few basic ones here.

If you suspect that you might have HouseWife Brain Damage, here are a few things you can do for yourself (note the word I have italicized, bolded and underlined on purpose)

1. Cut your entire schedule

Do you have a planner? Take a pen, go though each day and cancel as many things as you can. If you can’t be trusted with just crossing out, get some scissors. If you find it works, literally cut entire days ou of the book. Some of you might need to rip out entire pages. Some still might need to just burn the whole book. And a few of you might need your husband to do it for you. At this point, this is ok, we all need to start somewhere.

2. Dump housework

Is the housework pile at emergency levels? Is there anyone else living with you? Are they doing nothing? Are they able-bodied? Why aren’t they doing it???

Of a job is someone elses responsibility why are you doing it?????

This is not only bad for you, it’s insulting, if not down right crippling to other people in your family. We have kids going to university not knowing how to fold a towel!!! Who’s fault is that?

3. Dump responsibility onto the man

Unless you’re a paedophile, you man is an adult. He can handle some adult responsibility. Yes, including keeping the house running. Some men have even admitted that they find it insulting when their wives rip basic house skills out of their hands, screaming that he ‘can’t do it’ and ‘never does it’. Ummm, what was he doing before you ripped it out of his hands, honeybun? See, this is an example of Housewife Brain Damage affecting more than just the sufferer.

Some men watched their mothers working full time, then doing all the housework, while their father did no housework at all. For these men, leaving all the housework to the woman actually turns them off! And some of these men might even get off on doing housework for you.

If a man offers to help out around the house, you say yes.

4. Learn other skills

If the only skills you know is how to clean and poop out babies, the situation is urgent! Firstly: Babies don’t come out of your poohole.

There are some basic skills that some women flat out refuse to learn. Skills that everyone should know.

Things like car skills. What to do when the power goes out, what to do in an emergency, how to hang up a picture, how to turn on a computer etc.

Even if it’s just one basic thing you should do before an expert comes in to fix it. If you refuse to do anything until your husband comes home to find it’s gotten worse, you’re an embarassment to everyone.

Purposeful helplessness isn’t a good look and might even be a turn off for some men. It’s 2018, honey, the helpless, winging damsel isn’t a thing anymore. She’s usually the first to get killed off in movies these days because everyone hates her. She annoys everyone with her constant screeching.

Yes, your woman brain has enough space to learn all sorts of different skills. Whoever read the ‘bible’ to you lied.

And seriously, are there women who actually wait until their husband comes home to hang up a damn picture???

5. Dump everything for a year of burnout recovery

This means no housework, no picking up kids and flinging them here and there. This should only be done in very severe cases. But if this is suggested to you by a mental health professional, you’ve probably burnt out massively.

HWBD is a type of burnout.

6. Cut off contact with certain family members

Some relationships/families are highly toxic. HWBD can be caused by toxic people. In some cases, literally, the only solution for that is to cut off contact. If a mental health professional suggests it, definitely consider it. It’s a bloody hard step to take. But if there are people in your life that are contributing to your declining mental health, cutting them out of your life is still an option.

7. Allocate allocate allocate

Actually, google this word yourself. If you’re doing ‘traditional gender roles’, it is the ‘traditional role’ of the wife to be in charge of running the house. That does not mean ‘do everything with no help’. That means making sure it actually gets done. Allocating tasks to someone else is traditionally feminine! It’s also feminist. Yes, you can be both at the same time!

If you don’t have time for it, allocate allocate allocate! Some people in your household will be more than happy to do a few things around the house! Some husbands and kids take great pride in it! If they’re ready to walk through the door of housework, leave it open!!

8. You are not a slave to your own children

This is just depressing. Children can do basic tasks around the house. Even if you have to do it again because they messed it up because they’re kids. You don’t exist to do all the housework for your kids. And if someone expects you to do so, there are a few words for that. One of them is ‘abuse’.

9. Divorce, then sign a slave contract

This one sounds weird, just hear me out.

Or read. I forgot this was text…

A marriage is a partnership. Think of a busness partnership. Similar…but very different. You are partners in running your family, your household ect.

Some married couples are even busness partners with each other. Imagine that.

Imagine seeing your husband/wife 24/7. Even at work.

Sorry to spring that short, one line horror story at you. Was it scary? I’m trying to get better at story writing.

Back on topic, busness partners tend to be equals. Busness partnerships where one is ranked higher than the other is not a buisness partnership. That’s called a boss/employee relationship.

Marriage is the same. It is not one sitting on top of the other. They are on the same level, beside each other. A woman is not less than or below a man, she is different! (once again, whoever read the bible at you fed you a load of porkies. Did you make sure they were actually reading from the bible and not just holding a dictionary in their hand and making up little stories from their head?)

If you come into a marriage expecting toxic ‘gender roles’ fed to you by your ‘church’, don’t insult the institution of marriage or God by getting married. If your relationship is indistinguishable from a Master/Slave relationship, you should probably be signing a slave contract, not a marriage one. If there is no partnership, your relationship isn’t a marriage. It’s called an Ownership.

With that being said, slavery is illegal almost everywhere. (That line feels a bit obvious in 2018, but there you go.) There is no such thing as a ‘legally binding slave contract’. It’s more of a social contract. Any party can just walk out at any time, they don’t even need to give any warning or explanation. (But even a simple explanation/warning before you leave is just good manners so suck it up and communicate) So even with that style of relationship, you still have a massive amount of freedom. But if you suddenly find that you have fewer rights than a slave, call Women’s Refuge yesterday!!!!

I could go more into the M/s thing but I think that’s for another post. Maybe even for another blog. Or maybe for never being posted on the internet…


 

For those who know someone with the disorder, here are a few things that might help. I don’t know if they will work though:

1. Burn her schedule and write a new one for her

If she is so far gone that she physically can’t plan out her day without double, triple shifting and even double or triple booking herself, to the point she is going multiple days without sleep, she might need someone to write a plan that’s actually logical. She might even need an intervention to cut all the events and ‘appointments’ she doesn’t need to go to.

2. Pick. Up. Some. Shit

If you a grown ass adult with hands and you can physically do it. PICK. UP. SOME. SHIT.

Is she running massivly late and you on your phone? What is she doing? Dishes? How does that get her out the door to where she needs to be?

Dump the phone, pick up a dish, scrub it. It won’t give you cancer.

Also: I know plenty of disabled people who do their own housework. Their mother doesn’t live with them so someone has to do it. There are zero excuses.

4. Be a support

If you know a woman suffering from HWBD and there’s not much else you can do for her household, just being an outside support might be enough. This isn’t new. Humans have been supporting each other’s families for thousands of years, its only recently that the concept of ‘community’ collapsed, dumping vulnerable families to deal with their issues alone.

5. Parent your own damn children

Pick up a kid. Help them with whatever they need to do. Talk to them. Learn their first name. It’s called parenting. Yes, dads can do it too. The next person who refers to a dad just looking after his kids as ‘babysitting’ is going to be slapped by me.

If you don’t, you’re not a dad or even a husband, just a shitty flatmate. What does a flatmate do? They pay rent and contribute to the house, neither of which you are doing anyway.

You might as well just sit down and wait for the divorce papers to arrive.

6. Divorce, offer a slave contract

Bub, your marriage is a lie. Everything I said in the list above.

Honey, you’re not looking for a wife. You’re looking for a slave. Call a spade a spade.

The two of you will probably be happier anyway.

And if she runs at the sight of the contract, she was looking for a husband. Which you aren’t. Start looking for the right thing next time! FFS!

7. Get out

If you’re part of the household affected by HWBD, and it looks like it could end in disaster, you might want to bail before it does.

If you’re the husband, try bailing tempuarily and see what happens. If she’s a completly different person, you have your answer. Your family needs some changes.

But sometimes things can’t be saved and you may need to be out perminantly. Thats ok too. Change needs to happen in some situations.

8. Grow TF up

There I said it. Some of you video game playing F*** Boys need to do this yesterday.


If Left Untreated:

Leaving this condition untreated can create mental illness. It can put the sufferer and even her family in danger. It had even been known to kill.

1. Toxic Learned Helplessness of males

Lol! So many jokes on TV about how useless males are at housework and even parenting!

Yeh…that’s not actually funny, honeybun, for either party.

You know what an embarassing shame to your entire family you are when you have to wait for your husband to come home from work to show you how to turn on the computer and send an email? It’s the same thing.

When a wife dies, her elderly husband suddenly becomes an infant. Suddenly he’s inviting people over to show him how to use the toaster, how to turn on the shower, what to do when his clothes for the day don’t magically appear on his bed. Do you want this to be your husband? Men, do you want this to be you?

2. Bathtub drownings

This has actually happened. There was a case of a massively overworked woman, in a tiny house, with too many kids, doing all the housework. One day her man comes home to find all his kids drowned in the bathtub.

I don’t consider her a murderer. This is one of the final stages of Housewife Braindamadge. Woman snapped.

If you see the signs, but ignore it, take a good look at your kids. It might be the last time you see them. It might be the last time you see your wife because suicide is another final stage of the disorder. Don’t let it get this far. Mental Health is as important as physical health. Failing it can lead to death.

3. Abuse from all sides involved

In some cases, HWBD does come directly from abuse. Yes we know that can happen.

But brain damaged house wives can be abusers too. Sometimes towards their own husbands. And then their own children.

If this happens, it’s time for someone to bail. Toxic relatioships should not be endured or ‘put up with’. The relationship needs some massive changes. And when those changes are made, watch what happens to HWBD.

 

Conclusion

We do not need those massivly obsolite gender roles anymore. The gender roles in your house should work for you!!

Housewife Brain Damadge can be prevented and cured.

Yes, you can do something about it!

Men have the power to change this.

And yes, women do too, you don’t have to wait until a man finally gets around to handing that power to you because he thought it would ‘look cute on you’.

At this point, I can’t tell if this was originally supposed to be funny or coming from a place of anger. I suppose it doesn’t matter anymore.

 

I hope you are all enjoying my bitchy posts 🙂

Please let me know in the comments if you want me to do more. Or let me know if you don’t like them, that’s valid too. It’s giving me something to post more than two times a year but I don’t want to do this one thing forever. I will still write updates on what I’m up to.

I’m back to updating every weekend and I actually still have some ideas left. So fingers crossed you will see me next weekend. Hopefully with a more productive post.

 

Housewife Braindamadge

There is a deadly condition that plagues our modern mothers. It is a toxic disease that is slowly destroying them and their families in many ways. This condition can also kill and probably already has. This condition urgently needs to be stopped.

This condition is called Housewife Brain damage. (This isn’t an official diagnosis or anything, but if the DSM wants it they can have it for free if they give me credit)

 

Housewife Braindamadge is named for a certain group of people that it affects. We have yet to find any evidance of a male with this condition. And if there was, they would probably already be doing something about it.

And yet somehow single, childless women seem to have escaped from it.

From my minimal knowledge of psychology, I would class this condition as a Personality Disorder as it does seem to have co-morbid symptoms with Narcissistic and Borderline Personality Disorders. And in some cases it can be indistinguishable from Co-Dependant.

No-one is born with this condition, instead HB is caused by the enviroment the sufferer is trapped in.

I am writing this post because this does not just affect the sufferer, but potentially everyone around them. Once she crashes and burns, she will drag everyone down with her.

It’s an absolute guarantee that you have seen it before, and if you haven’t, you are either lying or you urgently need to go out more. Or you probably have the condition youself.

 

Causes

The causes of this condition are suggested in the name.

It usually starts once a woman is married, but it has been known to develop in live-in relationships pre-marriage. It can start before or after having children, but the presence of children seems to make the condition deteroeorate quickly.

It happens when all the duties of running the house is dumped on a woman, and she does it all. By herself. Micromanaging every miniscule thing. With no help.

If the male in the relationship is completly capable and intependant, yet has the basic life skills of a toddler, meanwhile his own toddler manages to do more around the house than he does, it is a guarantee his wife already has HWBD.

The presence of kids doesn’t do this, it only makes it worse. This is usually started by a man. And yes I’m pointing fingers at men because studies have shown and shown and shown and shown and shown that men are causing this condition. The signs are right in your face. You can’t miss it, unless of course you have Housewife Braindamadge.

This is caused when a woman isn’t alowed to allocate the tiny, usless, menial tasks that keep the house running.

HB is caused when your husband comes home from work, sits watching sports with a beer, ignores you, ignores the kids, farts, then goes to bed suddenly expecting sex. And is still surprised when his burnt out wife has been literally asexual for years. Bub, you might as well get a blow up doll. It’s more likely to enjoy sex than your wife.

HB is caused when blatant, in your face mysogony is ‘normal’.

HB is caused when people forget that the 1950s was decades ago. And HB already existed then.

I understand if you are a ‘warrior mum’ who runs around doing everything, because it is your feminine power. But I’m seeing a pattern in some women, red flags that are screaming at you, that you need to immediatly drop everything. HB does prevent you from seeing the signs. The results can be deadly.

 

Symptoms

As said above, you have seen this before.

Mother Baby activity groups. The condition is everywhere here.

The gassbagers that hog supermarket isles and footpaths with their trollies/baby buggies for hours, preventing anyone from getting through. This isn’t the symptom. The symptom is the snottyness you receive when you have the audacity to request that they move their fat asses so that you can pass. Because your ability to get from A to B is far inferiour to their ‘right’ to mouthfart to each other about what so and so did with this and that. Which has nothing to do with where they’re standing. And its completly unreasonable to expect them to do that somewhere else, like a cafe or somewhere else specificly designed for sitting and blitthering. Nah, it HAS to be done in the middle of a path. And the entire world has to stop to wait for them to finish honking at each other before it can continue with life.

And you know its probably not a good idea to call them out on gossiping about their innocent friends. Not if you value your life.

You no doubt have met women who are so mentally crippled that everything is answered with ‘I’ll ask my husband’. That’s cute, but if it becomes a habit people will start questioning your intelligence. That’s why its called Housewife Braindamadge. You might find conversations with these women painful.

If a friend or family member suffers from all these symptoms, its time for an intervention.

If you suffer from all of these, seek help immediatly

In no particular order:

1. Constant mistakes

Making mistakes every now and then is ok. Everyone does that. But constantly f***ing up everything she touches is a sign she is too burnt out to function and needs to drop everything. If she’s failing because she literally can’t physically see, she is massivly burnt out.

2. Needing husbands permission/opinion before you can even move

Like I said before, sometimes the classic ‘traditional gender roles’ can be rather cute. But there is ‘Cute Gender Roles’ and there is ‘purpusfully presenting yourself with the mental age of five just because you have a vagina’. And I have to warn you that this can make your man look a bit like a peadophile.

Let yourself have a brain! No, the bible does not demand that all women must be retarded. How drunk were you when you read it?

You did read it yourself, right? And not just have your husband read it at you and tell you what it means and not let you study it yourself for your own understanding, right?

3. Skipping meals

I’ve put this in here because I myself have seen this. I skip meals because at 100kg, my body can afford it. I also skip meals to pay the power bill. Some skip meals because there literally is no food or money.

There is no other logical reason to skip meals.

I know so many women who literally boast about skipping multiple meals in a day. These are women who are at a good weight, own their own house so they can afford as much food as they want. Yet they are skipping all meals in a day because they don’t even have time to smash a random handful of food into their face.

Is that even healthy?

They’re working, running around the house doing housework, chucking their kids around town, then they hoon their evening activities, overworked and literally starved.

By the way, malnourisment can also starve your brain. It can mess with your emotions, symptom #1 is an absolute guarantee if you are skipping multiple meals. How do you expect to focus if your braincells are literally dieing due to starvation?

I’ve seen women collapse so badly we had to call them an ambulance.

The Drs diagnosis? Exhaustion and starvation.

I’ve seen it happen to multiple women.

How many men have you seen it happen to?

This is one of the things that inspired me to write this. This isn’t a funny, snarky point on this list. I am actually very concerned about this symptom.

Though maybe this is also a cause of HWBD…

4. Severe ‘brain fog’

In my experience, I’ve never heard a man describe brain fog. I just think that’s interesting.

Brain Fog can be caused by many different things.

But if a woman is describing the symptoms of a learning disability as ‘brain fog’ it might be HWBD.

5. Depression and anxiety that suddenly appeared overnight

If she didn’t have depression and anxiety when she was single, it’s possibly part of a much bigger condition. Depression and anxiety are very often symptoms of something else, and only treating them would be like smearing glitter on a dead baby.

6. Narcissism

If left to long, the condition can mutate into Narcissism, psychopathy, sociopathy, borderline, co-dependant. One needs to have a certain number of symptoms to be diagnosed with a personality disorder, but regular people can still have a number of symptoms without needing a diagnosis. They’re just called toxic people.

The braincells she is losing is taking her social skills with them.

Consider the example of blocking aisles and paths again. Her entire world is just cleaning, cooking and children. She’s too brain damadged to function outside the house. She’s too brain damadged to socialize with adults. Her ‘needs’ are more important than anyone elses because ‘anyone else’ doesn’t exist, she hasn’t seen an ‘anyone else’ in years.

There could be many reasons a brain-damadged housewife becomes the snotty narcissist. She can’t control you because you are not the child she will probably infantilize for its entire life.

7. Inability to escape Baby Culture

Does she know all the words to Barney songs like she actually enjoys it? Is she playing Peppa Pig on repeat? By herself? Without the kids? This is no longer a mother, it is now a woman that has snapped. Let these women experience things that have nothing to do with babies! FFS!!

And if she’s using the same voice she uses on the baby on grown adults, it’s time something is done about it. She doesn’t know how to talk to adults anymore. Not even her own husband.

8. No intrests outside baby crap and cleaning

Try it yourself. Ask what her favorate music is.

“Husbands and children”

What books do you like to read?

“Hurrr Husbands and Children!”

What kind of animals will you find on a farm?

“Husbands and children!!! Lol!!!!”

Who are you voting for in the next election?

“Husbands and children!!!”

Note how proudly she says it, like she thinks being intellectually-handicapped is an acomplisment she should be rewarded for.

Try forcing her to say something else and watch her have a brain anurism. It’s either disturbing or hilarious, depending on how sick your sense of humour is.

10. Complete refusal to take adult responsibility 

Sometimes women can have some responsibility in this condition.

Do you think she will do anything about it? Lol.

If there is an important responsibility she should be picking it up, expect it to be abandoned over emergency housework, or the kids that dad doesn’t remember the first names of.

You can also expect her to abandon all responsibility for the things that came out of her own womb. Anything her kid does is your fault, especially when you don’t know her or her demon sprog from Adam :/ Expecially when she purpusfully forced her kid to do it.

Look out for traits of an attention whore.

 

But how do we cure such a condition?

Come back next week and I will post ways to cure and even prevent this condition.

 

 

NZ Stereotypes: The truth!

The Sheep One

This one came from the statistic that at one time there were more sheep than the human population.

According to new studies, there are now more cows here than sheep. So the joke should now be about cows, which some people find more attractive than sheep anyway.

 

Hitchhiking

While watching a video about travelling on a budget, the YouTuber suggested hitchhiking in NZ, because, and I quote: “Everyone does it” here.

Really now?

The only people I’ve ever seen hitchhiking here are foreign hipsters. We never hear anything about them afterwards. And we never talk about them again. What tourist? I didn’t see one.

My dad has been known to do it on occasion, but he is over 6 foot, Celtic Maori and covered in tattoos. So he tends not to have any trouble.

But if you are not from here and want to go hitchhiking, I highly recommend you do it every time you travel. There is an art to it. Here are some tips:

  • For best results go alone. All by yourself.
  • Take any car that pulls over, no matter what it or its driver looks like.
  • Don’t bring a phone or any way to contact the outside world.
  • Don’t tell anyone where you’re going. Drivers know when you have told someone. It’s better if no-one knows where the hell you are.
  • Don’t bring any weapons or anything you could possibly defend yourself with. Because hitchhiking doesn’t work if you can defend yourself.

 

Lord of the Rings

Yes, we all know it was filmed here. Yes, we all know about hobbits. Yes, I saw the first film four times at the cinema. Yes, I collected everything LOTR when I was a teenager. Yes, I thought I was Arowen for two weeks. Then I thought I was Galadreal for about a year. Yes, I was convinced I was going to work for Weta to make the next film. Been there, done that. We already know. Shut up.

The truth: The entire country isn’t just one filming location waiting for the next movie. We do all have lives outside those damn films.

 

It’s a Tiny Island Country

Already bored of the fat Americans turning up surprised we have cars and roads. This tells me NZ is probably miles ahead of some Western countries as far as development.

The Truth:

Some of your food probably gets shipped straight from here. That’s meat, wines, ciders, beers, fruits and veg.

There are the obvious exports of filming locations etc.

At the moment we are also exporting a number of musicians.

We have a lot to offer. Yes. There are actual people here.

 

It exists only as a holiday tourist attraction

Once again, we have a government, society, culture, lives outside dropping everything to entertain you.

The truth:

This country is currently being choked to death by freeload-campers and begpackers who literally shit all over the environment because the public toilet five steps away were just tooooo faaaaaar for poor little hipster feet.

We have foreign beggers turning up, expecting the country itself to pay for their holiday. They could afford a plane ticket and a crappy van, but somehow not the $10 a night at a motor camp and basic food. They are now bludging off food banks set up for local people that are actually homeless.

Other countries don’t exist for your entertainment. If you come to enjoy what it offers RESPECT IT or stay home!

 

Dare Devils

This country is well known for its daredevil ideas. Bungy Jumping etc.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but we didn’t make those for you.

We made those for ourselves first.

The truth:

By the time we got the first iPhone, it had been obsolete for years.

A lot of towns suffer from severe brain drain: Everyone pisses off the minute they leave school to find work. Leaving entire cities as giant retirement villages because there are no opportunities for anyone else. Using the place as a filming location only goes so far.

Whenever a new trend comes out, we often have to buy it illegally off the internet after searching for it locally for months.

We walk in a bookshop to buy the latest ‘bestseller’. Staff has never heard of it. Movie comes out. Same staff is now obsessed with that same book ‘based on the movie’.

If you want to buy comic books, you have to buy a plane ticket first.

The truth is we are bored! We’re trying to commit suicide. Please help us die.

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Why I’m not going to answer your autism question

I don’t get any question on this blog itself. I am lucky if I get one comment a year. But I follow many autism groups on facebook and other places and I am trying to get more out there.

But I have noticed a trend in what passes for ‘questions’ in these groups and pages.

I do answer the odd question if its a good one. But some I have given up because I just don’t have time and energy anymore.

  1. Lets talk about your spelling

I understand a few spelling mistakes if they aren’t completely atrocious. I’m writing this blog post and just posted an entire novel onto Wattpad. I can barely spell myself. (That being said, if there is any mention of my spelling in the comments, your only response will be STFU. Irrelevant)

But you have just barged into an autism group blithering about some condition called ‘assburgers’. WTF is that??? What do you expect us to know about it? This is an autism page, not a page for rude sandwiches.

If it was perhaps A-S-P-E-R-G-E-R-S you were talking about: If it is you or your child that has been diagnosed with it, you should know how to spell it by now as it should be written down somewhere. But then again, you posted about ‘assburgers’ in a group where the correct spelling of the condition can be found in the title of the group. You have no excuse. It’s a mans last name FFS.

Also I will remind you of all the bullying autistics go though in there entire childhood (and then what continues on into adulthood, lets be honest). Guess which slur is used against children with AsPergers? Yup. And you’ve just slapped that very slur into a facebook post for AsPPPPPergers. Thanks for the PTSD flashback, we really appreciate it. That might be why you’re getting radio silence in response to your question.

So I won’t be answering your question because I doubt that you can even read it. I will leave it to someone who has the time to use really short words.

  1. TMI.

I’m not answering your question because I haven’t got to it yet, as it is buried under pages and pages of TMI, and have yet to even see how it relates to your question.

We get all different kinds of oversharing vomit on our autism pages. We autistics are well know for our long-winded oversharing skills.

This isn’t about the autistics that overshare.

As there is one very special kind of TMI I have reserved this entry on the list for.

Why why why why OH WHY do I need to read pages of very detailed, graphic descriptions of your child TAKING A SHIT???

Why do we need to read this?

Why does your child need this information plastered all over autism groups/pages/blogs?

And why so detailed about every aspect of a child taking a dump?

Even when you’ve cowardly hidden behind ‘Anonymous’ but still faaaaaaaaa!

Is even worse when it is your blog post. I’m sorry, I have to say it. You do not write an autism blog. You write glorified child fetish porn. You aren’t asking a question. There is actually something dodgy going on here.

So I am not answering your question because I suspect it is just pedophilic poo fetish porn with a question mark slapped on the end of it, not a question. And everyone who read it just vomited, so if you did intend for it to be a question, you don’t deserve an answer. You on your own.

Speaking of TMI and (and your obvious crap fetish)

  1. You have mistaken this page/group as a GP office

True there will be a few actual GPs reading your ‘question’. Some of which may also be autistic. But if you are living in a first world country, you know where to find a GP. And in most cases doctor visits for children are completely free.

People in a facebook group/forum don’t have the time/enough information/qualifications to diagnose and treat everything your child has that is irrelevant to autism.

GO TO YOUR GP.

And speaking of that…

  1. Your question is completely and utterly irrelevant to autism

(blinks) …sorry what do you expect a page dedicated to autism to like…do…about your problem that is completely irrelevant to autism?

Go re-read 2 and 3.

Autism isn’t a poo disease. It’s not a cough. It’s not a mental illness. It’s not a broken leg.

GO. TO. A. GP.

  1. Someone in the situation you have described needs urgent, emergency mental help yesterday, and it isn’t your child

Looking at the small amount of information you have made available about your situation…your autistic loved one is reacting in a way that would be completely natural and normal even for a neurotypical.

However, your post is paragraphs and paragraphs of shrieking about this and that what the autistic has done, then blaming your reactions and behaviors on the autistic.

Eww.

This is called gaslighting.

THIS. IS. ABUSE.

GET. HELP. NOW.

But leave the autistic at home. Because it is not them that needs urgent, emergency mental help. Honeybunn, if you are slow enough to not have figured it out already, its you. And if that is the case, that poor mental health professional has a lot of hard work ahead of them.

After all that, the autistic may need mental help themselves anyway, to get over the abuse they have suffered from you. They may need help in actually leaving you.

For the sake of the autistic.

And for those who take offense: Don’t blame your audience for actually seeing all the red flags in your so called ‘question’. We’re autistic, not stupid.

  1. Your post is basically just bullying with a question mark slapped on the end of it

Don’t complain when you get banned.

Read 1. again.

Next.

  1. You’re trying to write a novel

Which isn’t a bad idea. I would love to publish my novel myself. But maybe try another platform besides dumping the entire thing into a FB post.

We could answer your question, but it took us two days to read it. Maybe come back to us when you’ve shortened it a bit?

This is probably related to the oversharing that I mentioned before,

  1. We aren’t your kindergarten teachers, we’re not going to hold your hand

Everyone on the page/group has lives of their own. None of them really have time to break out the crayons or hold your hand through a basic google ‘I’m feeling lucky’ search.

We get all sorts of interesting questions and discussions on these pages (if its boring, its not an autism page!).

Some questions are extremely important. Perhaps there is an autistic teenager who might have zero support in their real life, waiting decades for the medical community to stop gaslighting them and give them the diagnosis they desperately need, came to the online community to find the first friends they have ever had. They seek to further understand how autism affects them, where to get the support for the countless mental illnesses they have collected trying to cope their entire life without any support, wanting to know if they are alone in their self harm and depression issues.

But then they are buried under piles of

What is autism?

What is autism?

What is autism?

What is autism?

What is autism?

What is autism?

What is autism?

What is autism?

What is autism?

And once again these poor kids are abandoned and ignored, in favor of constantly answering the same boring question over and over. And thus there is no real discussion anymore.

Some communities will have a FAQ. Read them.

And if its already on the FAQ, don’t be surprised if your question gets ignored or even deleted as spam. People in the community don’t have time to answer them anymore,. That might be why its in the FAQ

It is 2017. We’ve had a black man in the whitehouse. We can talk to each other through video on a phone! Smallpox and polio is basically extinct. And what are you reading this on now? We have this amazing tool called the Internet, something my parents generation couldn’t even dream of when they were my age.

If learning about autism is important to you, do your own research. If you can read this, you already have the technology to do so! Some of your questions have been answered to death!

Thus, I can answer your question with a 2 second google. Something you are perfectly capable to do yourself. Or you can pay us.

  1. I suspect your question might be some kind of code for pedophiles and bleach enema cult members to use the forum/page as their own platform.

I don’t know if this is the actual case or not. But while writing some of the previous entries on the list I started to get suspicious.

I know people doing illegal crap can get away with it by using some kind of code in a public forum so they can find each other.

I use pedos and bleach enemists in this example because they are pretty much the same thing.

But yes, if we find something suspicious about your post, we won’t give you the answer you want.

 

And that is just 9 reasons your autism question might not be answered. And to the autistics out there: Just stop answering questions you don’t have time for! It only encourages them.

I could have done 10, but I suffer from a laziness specific to autism so I will finish this sentence tomorrow.

 

Bye Felicia.

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