Vampire movies and dangerous expectations

Nigel has just started watching True Blood.

Well let’s just say…it’s obviously just Twatlight Twilight with an R rating.

Now there are two things Nigel has to seriously talk about in regards to this show and other things like it.

The first thing:

Portraying or dressing actors up as vampires.

Ok. Nigel thinks the pale skin thing looks really cool, the special effects for the super vampire speed is cool. But that is not what we make a beeline for when making someone a vampire. So what is the first thing we need when we want to make someone look like a vampire? That’s right vampire fans: TEETH! Being the first and most obvious thing, it is also the first thing you will need to make convincing.

But have you noticed something? All the vampires all have the same accent or speak the same language. To the point where you can hardly understand a word they are saying. And have you ever seen one with their mouth shut?

Nigel has seen some really convincing vampire teeth. The Underword trilogy has some very convincing vampire teeth.Almost undistinguishable from normal teeth. And guess what? Selena (the greatest female hero on the planet)  can actually talk without that disgusting muffle and I’ve actually seen her with her mouth closed!

Nigel has seen people that go to the dentist to have their teeth capped to look like vampire fangs. It hasn’t changed their speech either.

True Blood obviously made theirs out of cardboard or bought those $2 glow in the dark ones. Yes, Nigel has noticed a massive difference in the vampires normal speech, and the speech impediment they suddenly develop the moment their fangs appear. Their teeth clearly don’t fit properly!

Non-fitting vampire teeth are extremely common in those crappy 90s TV shows for kids. It is now 2011, has fake vampire teeth technology moved at all? And Nigel thinks a show clearly aimed at adults would know better…

Nigel would like to see people in charge of costumes and makeup work harder on realistic vampire teeth.

The second thing:

The show is ok. The main characters could be better though…

The lady: All the symptoms of a major Mary-Sue.

Everyone either loves her or wants to kill her. Check

Everyone needs to protect her. Check

Her parents are dead. Check

Special power she considers a curse. Check.

Always running off by herself right into a clearly dangerous area, get’s surprised when she is in danger, then always needs to be rescued by a vampire. Check.

Her vampire bf: All the symptoms of a passive-aggressive and abusive twat.

Being attracted to pale skinned, tall dark and handsome men is a great thing. Being attracted to someone because they display a lot of red flags in the relationship and calls it ‘protecting you’ is a sign you probably shouldn’t be breeding.

Either the chick has serious issues that she should see someone about immediately, or she’s as dumb as a sack of bricks.

There are actually woman on this planet who have dumped boyfriends and husbands because they are not exactly like this man. That’s healthy…

Reader, you may or may not like True Blood…but Nigel isn’t that into the characters. They’re all stupid. Nigel loves vampires and things like that…but Nigel feels that True Blood could do a lot more with the vampires.


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