What I’ve learned while writing

Better spelling and grammar

For obvious reasons one would want their spelling and grammar to be a decent standard when writing. My journey of writing has actually improved these basic tools

 

The structure of a story

Another thing you are going to really need when writing. Especially if its fiction. But learning this has also helped to understand other stories when reading them or when watching stories in other medias. If you can’t follow the story either the writing is piss poor or you’re incredibly stupid.

 

Character Development

A good story has a character growing throughout. This is actually really important. No character development is boring.

I’m letting my characters lead for the first time in the latest rewrite of Lemuria. This has created more interesting characters that develop traits on their own and they have even started writing the story themselves.

This has also caused a few characters who shall remain namless to ruin everything.

 

Human behaviour

This actually helps with character development. I’ve been quite nosey into psychology and thrillers. Court room dramas. History. Turns out I might be trying to use this to create my characters.

This can actually be quite fun when you are creating characters…

…until you have to create the villian and need reasons for why they are psychopath…

 

Mythologies

I love mythology. Greek, Egyptian, Maori, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Norse.

Did I say I love it? I meant that whenever I see anything about it I’m trying to fit it in my novel. I can’t just enjoy it for the sake of researching it. Writing ruins everything.

 

History

This has become one of my special interests lately, along with Mythology. I have been studying the rise and fall of empires.

Oh, hey, do you know how I’ve done the world building for my epic fantasy novels? It’s just regular old modern day planet earth with my secret nations and empires slapped over top of it. So now I have to go into the history of the entire world to make it fit. Don’t do what I did.

 

My own faith

I pray and read my Bible to get closer to God.

Am I really? Or am I doing it to get ideas because I thought it would be funny to write a Kruschun Burk?

Is the book making me closer to my own faith or is my faith just being used to write the book? I don’t know anymore. I just want to write the book…

 

Random information

Do you know what the best part of writing is? You have to make something in your story work, so you have to drop everything to research it.

Now you have all this usless information that you only used once for a scene in a book. Yeh it’s fun to impress your friends with this usless info. But it really us random and usless and now it will always be in your head whenever you do or don’t need it.

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Things that will make me walk out of your church

You’re not even Christian

 

You say you’re a church. You call yourselves Christians. Are you sure?

If you’ve been around the church lifestyle for a while, I’m sure you’ve heard of all them people who magically turned into cars after walking into a garage.

Anyone can say they are a Christian and they go to church. It’s too easy. I am a 40 year old gay Chinese man. See, it really works!

But if I don’t see the Christianity, your entire faith is hot air and meaningless mouth noises.

I go to church to see people gathered in the name of Jesus! So let me see it!

There is witchcraft in your church

 

No I don’t mean your church is full of green skinned women whose molecular structure completely disintegrates when it comes into contact with water. It’s 2018. Men can be witches too.

And it’s not just spells either.

Manipulating the world around you in unnatural ways, playing with powers you don’t know anything about and shouldn’t be playing with is witchcraft.

Do you know what is also witchcraft?

Word curses. “You will never do this you can’t do that you are this because of this and that which you have no control over”

You can speak them over yourself and live in unhappiness for the rest of your life.

What’s worse than that is speaking them over someone else. Disgusting. You are purpusfully casting witchcraft over someone.

So before you’re about to speak something like that over someone, shut you gob. Before someone shuts it for you. And that someone might not even be of this world so be careful when playing that dangerous witchcraft game!

 

You got the wrong spirit

 

Why is everyone rolling on the floor screaming?

Yeh, you have a spirit alright. There’s a chance it might not be the Holy one though. Haven’t seen him yet, but so far I have seen a Kundilini.

As I said in #1, anyone can say they are anything. There’s no reason this wouldn’t apply to spirits too.

So make sure you can recognise which spirits are in your church and only allow the ones you truly want.

And if you lie to and gaslight me about which spirit is in front of my face, bye. Your church could be dangerous.

You’ve set yourself up to fail in your ministries

 

I’m not talking about the pastorship or the elders or all the little things you’re doing outside the church. No, its not the music team either.

It’s your background workers. The backbone of your church. The ‘little people’ that actually keep the church running. I’m talking about the cleaners and the coffee bitches. I’m talking about the arthritic ushers that have been standing up for an hour before the service even started and need to take a sabbath or two in the days after. Oh, you thought the Sunday was the sabbath for these people? LOL!

Make sure the jobs are well allocated. If I see 10 jobs dumped onto one person, you no longer have a management role in the church. The job is now going to 83 year old Deidre who brings her three cats to church in a shopping cart and shows you the same Brag Book of her gay grandson every week, which is actually just filled with magizine cuttouts of five different celebrities. I think she will do a better job. Go sit in the back of the church and read your bible again while the adults are discussing the running of the church building.

If your team members are not respected, I’m not coming back to your church unless I’m bringing popcorn to watch the thing collapse in front of your face. Probably with the camera on my phone so that I can post it to a cringe compilation later.

Your healings/prophecies are fake

 

As a member of the disability community, I’ve met every fake healer in my country. I have yet to see a real healing in my lifetime. I have seen some good performances on stage, but never followed anyone up to see if there actually was any healing. All the ‘healings’ on YT are fake.

Healings from God isn’t a circus trick. God is very much caught up with modern tech, but he doesn’t heal just for a facebook vid.

Yeh, the leg growing trick is cool. Do you know who else I’ve seen doing tricks like that? Psychics who were exposed as fake. Do you know who else does tricks like that? My step-dad, the evangilist. He doesn’t do them as healings though, he does them as amature magic tricks to entertain his kids ministry.

The tricks themselves aren’t a bad thing. They’re actually entertaining. It’s when you lie to your audience that they are legit ‘healings’ that’s going to make me walk out. Lying in church is a nah from me.

All I’ve seen so far are stage shows. The only healing I’ve actually received from God was gradual, and most of my disabilities that have been prayed for have gotten worse anyway.

It’s gotten to the point where I’ve actually started refusing healings.

And since I now believe in the social model of disability, I demand they pray for something else. Like my first job at 28. Or for someone else, like peace and healing for a family member dying of cancer. Or poor little children in Africa. Funny how they never pray for my financial problems, but then shove the chuck bucket in my face. What you need money for, bub?

I have seen some legit prophets though. It might because I’m biased as I’m a massive prophecy nerd. But I’ve seen some legit prophets and I’ve seen fake ones.

I’ve seen prophets prophetizing all over the church. Prophetizing over people that there will be money and cars. That they know someone with a J in their name. Or was it a Z? An M? Anyone have a G in their name? Their prophecies are so legit that I’ve heard multiple fake psychics say the exact thing word for word. And they are all vague enough to apply to everyone so it must be true. And here comes the chuck bucket again.

I have seen prophets that straight up refused to accept any offerings or money from us, and requested that we put our money back into the church or a charity or something. They were always unsure if the word was coming from themself or the Spirit. Their prophecies were very specific and actually came true. Hmmm.

And speaking of chuck buckets.

 

You worship another god

 

You say you worship the God of the bible. Yet the rituals in your church are to other gods. When you offer your people prosperity in this world, then pass the chuck bucket around, you worship the demon god Mammon.

Mammon is the Prince of consumerism and toxic capitalism. He is destroying our culture with gluttony and waste. And he owns your pastors and your churches too.

Watch out for the demon Mammon.

Moloch is in churches also. He is the one they used to sacrifice babies to. I’m not even going to go into how he ended up in our churches.

Jezebel is supposed to be a big one also but I don’t know enough about her yet. She’s related to narcissism. She’s in our churches.

And of course, Lucifer himself is worshiped in your churches. If you know how to find him, you will see him. But he is there in many, many churches.

 

You can’t read

 

If you have a learning disability, I’m not talking to you in this paragraph.

I am talking to you if you act like never reading the bible is an achievement.

I am talking to you if you are ‘quoting verses’ that aren’t even in the bible and can’t even provide book, chapter, verse.

I’m talking to you if you ‘quote’ a verse and we have to ask you which holy text you got that from because the same verse in our bible says the complete opposite.

I’m talking to you if a verse about Jesus chopping onions for his tea is suddenly a commandment to round up all brown people into concentration camps.

Can you even read, bro? Were you high when you read this? How can I trust you if you can’t even read a damn bible?

 

You all smile like Ted Bundy

Honey, take this advice from an autistic: You’re not supposed to smile with your eyes wide open. It terrifies people. Also, having said expression plastered on your face all day is also terrifying. God did not tell you to look like someone just asked you if you killed all those women.

Christianity is not fake positivity. And fake positivity isn’t even healthy. I’ve seen fake positivity in the media. And the level of fake positivity in the church is something else. You’ve probably seen the psychopath/manic smiles in cults, where the signs of fake ‘happyness’ are painful to watch. Yes, some regular Christian churches do look this bad. And yours might be one of them

So I will be literally running from your church because its about to become a cult, or its just run by psychopaths who don’t know how to smile properly.

You’re scaring people away from the truth of Jesus. Do you even want to get the message out?

 

You’re getting zero converts because you can’t even communicate with humans anymore

How are you going to get your message out when you are so isolated that you don’t even speak the same language as the local population?

Yes you are allowed to use modern technology. Entertainment itself won’t send you straight to hell.

Also: It’s 2018. Technology isn’t a tool anymore. It’s part of the culture. We have mass media. The media is now part of our language and how we communicate.

The point of the church is to gather and spread a message. If you hog the message to yourself and can’t even communicate with the people outside your group, you’ve already failed.

 

You’re not a church

 

I’m seeing a lot of things. I’m seeing money making. I’m seeing gossip. I’m seeing judgment. I’m seeing mass hysteria probably caused by illegal drugs. I’m seeing enabeling of mental illness. Not seeing a lot of churching.

 

I’m glad I found the church I’m in and I can see great things in its future. But there are a lot of toxic things in church culture that we can probably afford to dump.

 

I try to post every weekend.

I also have a facebook

What I’ve Learned About Employment While Disabled

Sorry for the hiatus. I will be back to weekend posts again now.

Employment while Disabled. Lol good joke.

But to be more serious here is what I have learned about Employment while being disabled.

I’ve been disabled since birth, so safe to say I’ve learned everything.

 

Decades of flinging CVs at a wall

That’s decades, not years. Yes, you really can spend decades just throwing your CV into someone else’s rubbish bin. Finding a type of job you can physically do is like pulling teeth. Then you actually have to get hired, which will be years of flinging your CV around and getting complete silence in response. By the time you find a place that actually has space for more staff, you have been starved of employment for so long that you have no experience so they won’t hire you anyway. At that point, questions about the decade-long gaps in your CV are absolutely redundant and are yet another roadblock to employment.

Your other option is volunteering to gain experience. That means years of unpaid work. That means literally eating ‘experience’. But the experience is good though. But I have yet to see it make much difference, besides the fact I finally got responses from my CV flinging. All responses being ‘Nah’.

Then you change your strategy to flinging your CV at jobs that you can’t physically do, some of which might even put you in hospital. At a certain point, you are so desperate to grab the cash that you are literally putting your health at risk.

Then your final stratagy is to grab any illegal work that you can reach. Because those drug lords and pimps are the first people that ever paid you in 20 years so…

I have yet to meet any disabled people who suddenly had a job paying a living wage the minute they left school. If there were any, they’ve all been burned at the stake for being witches.

Eyeballing every cent that goes in

If your disabled, chances are you might be on the dole just to prevent yourself from going homeless.

But if you are a witch or something and managed to get paid and are stupid enough to declare it to the WINZ office (eye roll), you have to physically eyeball every cent you are being paid. If one cent too much goes in, bye dole. They can cut your benefit, or rip it from you completely. You are now sitting on your paid income for all your living expenses, which may not even pay you enough to eat three meals a day, let alone any rent or bills.

What is a saving? Is that some new food or…? Almost illegal when you are on the dole. Mine is treated as an emergency fund for when my bank account gets hogged by a power bill. That also means no inheritance, no gifts, no small loans of a million dollars.

One way to save yourself from trouble is to quickly spend whatever savings you have before you have to declare it. That will of course mean you will never have savings above a certain amount, which will trap you exactly where you are. The best thing to do is to empty it into bills, morgages and debts. At least that will look like you know your priorities when it comes to finances.

Another option is to not declare certain ‘incomes’. I don’t know how safe that is in some cases, you can still get into legal trouble depending. But you do not deserve to lose your benifit after a one-off sale of a piece of furniture on trademe or that one time you sold some crafts for $5 each at a bootmarklet. Not worth declaring.

Poverty 22 cycle

Employment is very much part of the poverty cycle.

Need car to get job. With what money? Where do you get money? The job you can’t get to without a car. Round and round and round.

Need this much experience to be hired. Experience doesn’t come out of thin air and sometimes education isn’t free. At least you can work for experience for free, but it won’t put food on the table. Round and round and round and round.

Lived for ears in a house that gets zero sun, goes to work in zero sun. Lack of sun hogs your energy, you’ve had one continueous cold for years. Thus you cannot work at your full ability, you will never get a promotion or a raise. You will never save up for better accommodation that will give you more energy to work better. Round and round and round and round and round.

You can only afford cheap, fatty, sugar crammed foods that pile on your weight and hog your energy. You will never reach your full potential with that energy, thus will never earn enough to afford real food. And the gym isn’t free either. Round and round and round and round and round and round and round.

Not to mention the guaranteed depression. That would take up a whole new post.

Roadblocks

So you have a car, you have experience to plaster all over your CV, you have the CV to fling around. You might have even worked out a specific job that you can easily do. The end. You go no futher into employment than this stage because now it’s up to the employer to decide if you get a job. You’ve done your side, now they have to do theirs. Then there is a thing called discrimination. Good luck.

What’s a paycheck?

Is it a food? A new kind of book or game? No seriously.

I’ve had friends and fam working for free because businesses ‘couldn’t afford’ them. Does this happen to able-bodied people???

Can we eat ‘store credit’ or ‘staff discount’???

Disability isn’t the cause of unemployment

Our disabilities don’t put us in poverty. Some of us CAN work and have our CVs in our hands ready to wave in your face.

If you’re not hiring, you can’t winge when we bludge off your taxes. You can’t have it both ways.

People on disability are there because they aren’t disabled enough to be on disability

When you think about it this actually does make perfect sense.

Someone may be only slightly disabled. Enough that they can’t stand up for long periods of time. They CAN and WANT TO work. And yet they are still unemployed. And the dole still accepts them as entitled to some benefits. So why are they there?

What are the jobs available to someone in my area with no skills, no experience and no car? Maccas, Supermarket, apple picking, road building, heavy lifting, running around all day, standing and standing and standing and standing. They pay peanuts, but we would grab them if we could physically do them. That’s if. Not everyone can just stand there for more than 10 minutes without running from chair to chair. The jobs that we are absolutely screaming for are sit down jobs. We’ve never seen one. And if we don’t see them, we can’t ask for them. And if they do exist, once again, education isn’t free. And even if you can afford it, the doors will be slammed in your face for some random reason anyway.

 

This is the endless network of cycles keeping disabled people in poverty, preventing them from growing, preventing them from gaining human status. How much have we changed since Nazi Germany? I haven’t seen much.

All I can say now is when I do get paid there will be a massive blog post from me.

For people like us, the achievement isn’t getting that promotion, buying a sports car and retiring to your mansion by the beach. For us, the achievement is getting paid AT ALL.

Signs you suffer from affluenza

Affluenza is a crippling mental condition that affects thousands all over the world. Once you know the symptoms the disease can be stopped before it spreads.

Your bank account has more zeros than you have IQ points

But that’s ok. Who needs to function like an adult when you can just buy thinking? That made no sense to me either.

Your friends stare at you like you’re speaking Chinese when you bring up what shops you got what at.

Oh, honey, not everyone goes all the way to France just to by a top. That’s just you

You are surprised when people don’t magically become your friend once wave money in their face

And you wonder why you keep losing friends. Maybe your current friends should help you figure that one out. Its what you pay them for after all.

You wonder why your friends won’t see you anymore

It’s a two-hour walk to your McMansion in the middle of nowhere. Maybe you should pick them up in one of your ten cars?

People suddenly get angry when you lose your job and start begging for money while living in your McMansion with your ten cars and a team of servants

I mean, how unreasonable of them!

You seem to have missed the news that slavery is now illegal, while you can easily afford to pay people for their work

Don’t forget to winge about millennials who keep demanding a weekend after working triple shift with no extra pay. How dare they!

Do you suffer from affluenza? Let me know in the comments.


My blog is nearly at 100 followers. I don’t know what I want to do when it hits that milestone. Since its birthday month, I will probably just buy some more alcohol that I don’t need. Once I’ve got this to 100 followers I might start making YT vids again. I’ve finally got momentum to post this vlog weekly (when I can). I will start small and if asked I will deny that I am just making the vids so that I have content to post here once a week.

If you want updates on either of these platforms I have a FB page:

The Bogan Artist

Things that will make me burn your Kruschun fiction book/movie

I’m including movies and TV shows in this because not even good acting and directing can save anything from piss poor writing. Just ask Hayden Christensen. There are movies that were made with no budget at all that are better than some of the Krustchun crap I’ve seen.

The Kruschun burk prologue

I don’t mean the actual prologue

“Hi! This is a ministry tool meant to replace the latest fad genre at the moment! Please give it to someone that needs to be preached at blah blah blah fart fart fart read my buk I’m better than everyone else”

The best way to guarantee I won’t get past the first page.

You are using the wrong medium for your message

You’re not a writer, you’re a preacher. Stay on the pulpit, that’s where you belong. Stay where Gods gifts put you.

Normally I would tell everyone to write, even if they don’t intend to sell books or anything. Sometimes writing is just good for the soul.

But some of you preachers might want to stay in your lane. Some of these appalling writers even admitted they could barely write, but they only wrote to preach. Thus they possibly made no attempt to develop their writing craft and instead relied on their preaching and God to carry their message. Yeh, writing doesn’t work that way. And God would rather you actually practice writing before you try to put anything out there. You do actually have to do things yourself, you know. It’s not Gods job to hold your hand and do everything for you.

If you’re too lazy to develop your craft, stay on the pulpit and pay someone else to do the writing for you.

You spend your entire writing career chasing trends

When you jump on the latest oversaturated genre bandwagon, just to ride its coattails to get your message out there, it shows.

When you sacrifice writing to ‘replace’ all the latest ‘demonic’ YA genres, it really really shows.

My advice: Write. Write the genre you want to write in. Yes, you can chase the popular if you want to. But at the end of the day, the only stories you should be writing are the ones you want to write, not the ones you are just chucking out to jump on the bandwagon.

You’ve never spoken to anyone 10 years younger than you before

Teenagers and young adults speak a whole different language. In your book, they’re talking like a 60-year-old white pastor. Eww. Bye Felicia.

K, lets talk about swearing now. Make. Your. Characters. Swear. No, honeybun, stop the wingeing and high pitched noises, you don’t have to actually write out the words themselves. Even just mentioning that ‘they cursed’ will suffice. See it’s that easy. And it looks better than a secular character speaking in the same voice that a mother uses on her toddler because the authour is too busy hand-wringing to put naughty no-no words in a book.

People swear, get over it. I’ve heard worse words at church. I’ve heard toddlers screaming worse words at their own parents.

If swearing makes sense to a character, don’t dance around it. You are allowed to write that swearing exists. You’re not going to hell for writing a secular character that swears.

Maybe in the POV of a fundie Christian character you can play with their voice and how they react to other characters swearing. Maybe the character can replace the swearing with something else. This is one good way to include swearing without actually including swearing. I’ll do that work for you for free.

So please make your characters dialog and language appropriate for their age.

Fucks Sake.

You can’t write

That’s it. You just can’t write. Not even misspelling ‘Krustchun burk’ on the cover will save it. Not even Jesus himself will save it. It’s too far gone.

You suffer from Big Fish in Small Pond syndrome

I’m just going to say it.

Writing is full of narcissists.

Christian writing is full of more narcissists.

The problem is you have to wade through a lot of toilet paper to find a book/genre that you like in the Christian only bookshop. And the Christian market is very much starved of any writing at all, let alone quality stuff.

Name Christian writers who did well in the secular market, you might get CS Lewis, Tolkien. Very smart people who created unforgettable works that are still being published long after their death. I don’t know what religion Anne Rice identifies with as she has rejected Catholicism but she still believes. Her vampire books were massive.

Now name even one Christian writer that made it big by starting in the Christian market.

Yeh, it doesn’t happen. You might get big in the Christian market itself, but then you will hit the glass ceiling because no-one else but Christians can relate to your books.

You could say the Left Behind Series. But the only reason they exploded was that they were a Big Fish in a Small Pond. No-one had ever done Revelation fanfiction on such a massive scale. And their preaching is very heavy in every book.

Your non-christian characters are made of straw

If it’s screamingly obvious that the atheist characters are written by a Kruschun who has never spoken to anyone outside their cult before, you might want to rewrite these characters.

No-one likes cardboard characters in any genre.

So are your kruschun characters

But then again, Christian written Christian characters that are an insult to real Christians is quite an achievement. Keep writing. You will make millions from hate-reading. Hilarious.

Kruschun Mary Sues are rampant

Kruschun characters who are so much smarter and better than the atheist characters. Everyone loves them. Villians give their hearts to Jesus for them! Because it’s that easy! Everything that comes out of the characters mouth sounds like the voice of the authour. Oops, lol. Maybe you should just name the character after yourself? Oh, you already did that…

You’re trying too hard

K, so you don’t know how to write. You don’t know how to develop a character. You don’t know anything about world building or dialogue. You barely even know how to spell anything. And you actually agree with me in this post. You want your book to be a bit different. Here’s what you do: EDGE!! Edgy Christians are totally not overdone as an attempt to attract a bigger audience at all.

The problem with that is that your book is now only edgy to a pastors son who’s not allowed to have a girlfriend till he’s 21. OMG! The main character is wearing a beanie!!!! And there’s a girl wearing shorts!!!!! So much EDGE!!!!!

This will be the edgiest book some Christians have ever read, but to everyone else, it will be an absolute joke.

Don’t force edge. Find your natural voice.

Plus I’m the only Edgy Christian in the village. All you others are fakes. I bet you don’t even listen to Striper.

 

I have a headache. I’m going to read Game of Thrones again.

Returning to Lemuria

After progress on my novel stagnated for at least 2 years, I’ve finally gone back to it.

I’m giving the prologue one final chance to save itself before I cut it. This time I’m letting Tane write it from his POV. Before it was supposed to be his POV but was bogged down with description. Now the focus was just to put him in a New Zealand mountain forest in the middle of winter. As always, the chapter is a lot better. My drafts tend to always be rewrites, there’s not much editing.

I have some ideas that might completly change the plot in some ways, but the story itself will hopefully be mostly the same.

I still don’t know what else to do with it before publishing. I’m going with plan B of self pubing on kindle. Everything else I have tried just ends in road blocks. It will probably go up with no proffessional editing, because even that has a massive road block. I might do my own cover, the one I have now isn’t bad for a first cover but I think it needs to be more proffessional. That will happen after this rewrite.

Housewife brain damadge pt 2

I have returned again with the rest of that post. Last time I went over the definition, causes and symptoms. Today is a bit more positive because there is still hope for those suffering from HWBD.

Cures

Cures for this can be easy, with hardly any work involved. Or they could be impossible, depending on many different factors.

There are probably an endless amount of cures but I’m just going to go over a few basic ones here.

If you suspect that you might have HouseWife Brain Damage, here are a few things you can do for yourself (note the word I have italicized, bolded and underlined on purpose)

1. Cut your entire schedule

Do you have a planner? Take a pen, go though each day and cancel as many things as you can. If you can’t be trusted with just crossing out, get some scissors. If you find it works, literally cut entire days ou of the book. Some of you might need to rip out entire pages. Some still might need to just burn the whole book. And a few of you might need your husband to do it for you. At this point, this is ok, we all need to start somewhere.

2. Dump housework

Is the housework pile at emergency levels? Is there anyone else living with you? Are they doing nothing? Are they able-bodied? Why aren’t they doing it???

Of a job is someone elses responsibility why are you doing it?????

This is not only bad for you, it’s insulting, if not down right crippling to other people in your family. We have kids going to university not knowing how to fold a towel!!! Who’s fault is that?

3. Dump responsibility onto the man

Unless you’re a paedophile, you man is an adult. He can handle some adult responsibility. Yes, including keeping the house running. Some men have even admitted that they find it insulting when their wives rip basic house skills out of their hands, screaming that he ‘can’t do it’ and ‘never does it’. Ummm, what was he doing before you ripped it out of his hands, honeybun? See, this is an example of Housewife Brain Damage affecting more than just the sufferer.

Some men watched their mothers working full time, then doing all the housework, while their father did no housework at all. For these men, leaving all the housework to the woman actually turns them off! And some of these men might even get off on doing housework for you.

If a man offers to help out around the house, you say yes.

4. Learn other skills

If the only skills you know is how to clean and poop out babies, the situation is urgent! Firstly: Babies don’t come out of your poohole.

There are some basic skills that some women flat out refuse to learn. Skills that everyone should know.

Things like car skills. What to do when the power goes out, what to do in an emergency, how to hang up a picture, how to turn on a computer etc.

Even if it’s just one basic thing you should do before an expert comes in to fix it. If you refuse to do anything until your husband comes home to find it’s gotten worse, you’re an embarassment to everyone.

Purposeful helplessness isn’t a good look and might even be a turn off for some men. It’s 2018, honey, the helpless, winging damsel isn’t a thing anymore. She’s usually the first to get killed off in movies these days because everyone hates her. She annoys everyone with her constant screeching.

Yes, your woman brain has enough space to learn all sorts of different skills. Whoever read the ‘bible’ to you lied.

And seriously, are there women who actually wait until their husband comes home to hang up a damn picture???

5. Dump everything for a year of burnout recovery

This means no housework, no picking up kids and flinging them here and there. This should only be done in very severe cases. But if this is suggested to you by a mental health professional, you’ve probably burnt out massively.

HWBD is a type of burnout.

6. Cut off contact with certain family members

Some relationships/families are highly toxic. HWBD can be caused by toxic people. In some cases, literally, the only solution for that is to cut off contact. If a mental health professional suggests it, definitely consider it. It’s a bloody hard step to take. But if there are people in your life that are contributing to your declining mental health, cutting them out of your life is still an option.

7. Allocate allocate allocate

Actually, google this word yourself. If you’re doing ‘traditional gender roles’, it is the ‘traditional role’ of the wife to be in charge of running the house. That does not mean ‘do everything with no help’. That means making sure it actually gets done. Allocating tasks to someone else is traditionally feminine! It’s also feminist. Yes, you can be both at the same time!

If you don’t have time for it, allocate allocate allocate! Some people in your household will be more than happy to do a few things around the house! Some husbands and kids take great pride in it! If they’re ready to walk through the door of housework, leave it open!!

8. You are not a slave to your own children

This is just depressing. Children can do basic tasks around the house. Even if you have to do it again because they messed it up because they’re kids. You don’t exist to do all the housework for your kids. And if someone expects you to do so, there are a few words for that. One of them is ‘abuse’.

9. Divorce, then sign a slave contract

This one sounds weird, just hear me out.

Or read. I forgot this was text…

A marriage is a partnership. Think of a busness partnership. Similar…but very different. You are partners in running your family, your household ect.

Some married couples are even busness partners with each other. Imagine that.

Imagine seeing your husband/wife 24/7. Even at work.

Sorry to spring that short, one line horror story at you. Was it scary? I’m trying to get better at story writing.

Back on topic, busness partners tend to be equals. Busness partnerships where one is ranked higher than the other is not a buisness partnership. That’s called a boss/employee relationship.

Marriage is the same. It is not one sitting on top of the other. They are on the same level, beside each other. A woman is not less than or below a man, she is different! (once again, whoever read the bible at you fed you a load of porkies. Did you make sure they were actually reading from the bible and not just holding a dictionary in their hand and making up little stories from their head?)

If you come into a marriage expecting toxic ‘gender roles’ fed to you by your ‘church’, don’t insult the institution of marriage or God by getting married. If your relationship is indistinguishable from a Master/Slave relationship, you should probably be signing a slave contract, not a marriage one. If there is no partnership, your relationship isn’t a marriage. It’s called an Ownership.

With that being said, slavery is illegal almost everywhere. (That line feels a bit obvious in 2018, but there you go.) There is no such thing as a ‘legally binding slave contract’. It’s more of a social contract. Any party can just walk out at any time, they don’t even need to give any warning or explanation. (But even a simple explanation/warning before you leave is just good manners so suck it up and communicate) So even with that style of relationship, you still have a massive amount of freedom. But if you suddenly find that you have fewer rights than a slave, call Women’s Refuge yesterday!!!!

I could go more into the M/s thing but I think that’s for another post. Maybe even for another blog. Or maybe for never being posted on the internet…


 

For those who know someone with the disorder, here are a few things that might help. I don’t know if they will work though:

1. Burn her schedule and write a new one for her

If she is so far gone that she physically can’t plan out her day without double, triple shifting and even double or triple booking herself, to the point she is going multiple days without sleep, she might need someone to write a plan that’s actually logical. She might even need an intervention to cut all the events and ‘appointments’ she doesn’t need to go to.

2. Pick. Up. Some. Shit

If you a grown ass adult with hands and you can physically do it. PICK. UP. SOME. SHIT.

Is she running massivly late and you on your phone? What is she doing? Dishes? How does that get her out the door to where she needs to be?

Dump the phone, pick up a dish, scrub it. It won’t give you cancer.

Also: I know plenty of disabled people who do their own housework. Their mother doesn’t live with them so someone has to do it. There are zero excuses.

4. Be a support

If you know a woman suffering from HWBD and there’s not much else you can do for her household, just being an outside support might be enough. This isn’t new. Humans have been supporting each other’s families for thousands of years, its only recently that the concept of ‘community’ collapsed, dumping vulnerable families to deal with their issues alone.

5. Parent your own damn children

Pick up a kid. Help them with whatever they need to do. Talk to them. Learn their first name. It’s called parenting. Yes, dads can do it too. The next person who refers to a dad just looking after his kids as ‘babysitting’ is going to be slapped by me.

If you don’t, you’re not a dad or even a husband, just a shitty flatmate. What does a flatmate do? They pay rent and contribute to the house, neither of which you are doing anyway.

You might as well just sit down and wait for the divorce papers to arrive.

6. Divorce, offer a slave contract

Bub, your marriage is a lie. Everything I said in the list above.

Honey, you’re not looking for a wife. You’re looking for a slave. Call a spade a spade.

The two of you will probably be happier anyway.

And if she runs at the sight of the contract, she was looking for a husband. Which you aren’t. Start looking for the right thing next time! FFS!

7. Get out

If you’re part of the household affected by HWBD, and it looks like it could end in disaster, you might want to bail before it does.

If you’re the husband, try bailing tempuarily and see what happens. If she’s a completly different person, you have your answer. Your family needs some changes.

But sometimes things can’t be saved and you may need to be out perminantly. Thats ok too. Change needs to happen in some situations.

8. Grow TF up

There I said it. Some of you video game playing F*** Boys need to do this yesterday.


If Left Untreated:

Leaving this condition untreated can create mental illness. It can put the sufferer and even her family in danger. It had even been known to kill.

1. Toxic Learned Helplessness of males

Lol! So many jokes on TV about how useless males are at housework and even parenting!

Yeh…that’s not actually funny, honeybun, for either party.

You know what an embarassing shame to your entire family you are when you have to wait for your husband to come home from work to show you how to turn on the computer and send an email? It’s the same thing.

When a wife dies, her elderly husband suddenly becomes an infant. Suddenly he’s inviting people over to show him how to use the toaster, how to turn on the shower, what to do when his clothes for the day don’t magically appear on his bed. Do you want this to be your husband? Men, do you want this to be you?

2. Bathtub drownings

This has actually happened. There was a case of a massively overworked woman, in a tiny house, with too many kids, doing all the housework. One day her man comes home to find all his kids drowned in the bathtub.

I don’t consider her a murderer. This is one of the final stages of Housewife Braindamadge. Woman snapped.

If you see the signs, but ignore it, take a good look at your kids. It might be the last time you see them. It might be the last time you see your wife because suicide is another final stage of the disorder. Don’t let it get this far. Mental Health is as important as physical health. Failing it can lead to death.

3. Abuse from all sides involved

In some cases, HWBD does come directly from abuse. Yes we know that can happen.

But brain damaged house wives can be abusers too. Sometimes towards their own husbands. And then their own children.

If this happens, it’s time for someone to bail. Toxic relatioships should not be endured or ‘put up with’. The relationship needs some massive changes. And when those changes are made, watch what happens to HWBD.

 

Conclusion

We do not need those massivly obsolite gender roles anymore. The gender roles in your house should work for you!!

Housewife Brain Damadge can be prevented and cured.

Yes, you can do something about it!

Men have the power to change this.

And yes, women do too, you don’t have to wait until a man finally gets around to handing that power to you because he thought it would ‘look cute on you’.

At this point, I can’t tell if this was originally supposed to be funny or coming from a place of anger. I suppose it doesn’t matter anymore.

 

I hope you are all enjoying my bitchy posts 🙂

Please let me know in the comments if you want me to do more. Or let me know if you don’t like them, that’s valid too. It’s giving me something to post more than two times a year but I don’t want to do this one thing forever. I will still write updates on what I’m up to.

I’m back to updating every weekend and I actually still have some ideas left. So fingers crossed you will see me next weekend. Hopefully with a more productive post.

 

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